“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 (NIV)
The week that Jase and I were married, back in the dark ages of 1990, was full of activities. Family was arriving, dresses were being altered and tuxes were being picked up from the rental shop. It was a fun, exciting time full of promise and hopes of a bright future. If you know my dad at all (and especially if you follow him on Facebook), it won’t take you long to realize how much he loves me. He is always complimenting me and telling me how proud he is of the woman I’ve become. He is a positive, energetic, God-fearing, man and has been this way for as long as I can remember.
So, when he stopped me in the hallway of our house one day during that festive week, took me by the shoulders, faced me head on and stated, “Missy, I need to tell you something very important”, it definitely got my attention. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “When you get married on Friday, you can’t come home.”
What? Where in the world did this come from? Maybe I didn’t hear him correctly. So, I asked him to clarify.
Again, he said, “You are not welcome to come back to this house to live after Friday night.”
Needless to say, I was completely offended! My dad didn’t want me anymore? I’m sure I had a look of horror on my face, which lead him to finish with one last thought: “When you have problems with your husband, and you will, you’ll need to work them out. Your mom and I will be here to help you however we can, but you’ll have to go home to your husband.”
Problems? What on earth is he talking about? I’m about to get married to the man of my dreams! What problems could we possibly have?!
Ha!
Twenty-five years later, I still remember that short conversation like it happened yesterday. In fact, I just shared it with Reed and Brighton this past weekend as we were talking about their upcoming wedding and marriage. I also told them about the times that I laid in bed crying and wishing I was back at my parents’ home in the comfort of my upstairs bedroom without all of these challenges and disappointments of my new life. Then I would remember what my dad told me, and I knew I had to go talk to Jase about it.
When we’re young and in love and getting so much wonderful attention from the people around us, it’s completely normal to get caught up in the excitement. But in reality, those of us who have been married for any length of time can honestly say that the excitement of the nuptials will quickly dissipate into a harsh dose of reality. And what is left are two people coming from two different backgrounds from two different families with two different sets of baggage, habits and quirks, and we have to figure out how to make it work.
God was well aware of this situation when he created the union of marriage. He knew our bodies would grow old and we wouldn’t be as attractive to each other as we once were. He knew that we might face financial hardships and have to make hard decisions on how to do what’s best to feed and take care of our families. He knew we might be faced with the death of a child and wants us to rely on each other for support. He created marriage for the specific reason that He did not want us to be alone.
Genesis 2:18 states, “God said, ‘It is not good for the Man to be alone. I’ll make him a helper, a companion.’”
Jase knows everything there is to know about me, my attributes AND my faults, and he has still stuck with me for over twenty-five years. What a blessing to know that he is committed to me no matter what we have gone through and no matter what our future holds. When we said those vows, we had no idea what was waiting for us in the future. But God did. God does. He knew it all when he created the institution of marriage long before we ever existed.
Now that my oldest son, Reed, has chosen Brighton to be his wife, he needs to love her more than he loves me. And I, as his mom, need to understand that. There is no place in a marriage for a man to love his mother more than he loves his wife. And there is no place in a marriage for a mother who hasn’t accepted that. I’ve been abundantly blessed with a mother-in-law who understands her role in her sons’ marriages. She not only has four sons, but she has four daughters because of that. I’m hoping to be that same wonderful, godly mother-in-law to Brighton.
So, not only did I tell them my memory of that awkward conversation I had with my dad all those years ago, I also took the opportunity to pass down the same information to Reed. I left them with these endearing words:
“Reed, I love you with all my heart, but once you say ‘I do’ this fall, you can’t come home. And Brighton, you’re stuck with him.”
Comments
Anonymous :
Good words in theory……not easy words to eat!
Mar 10, 2016
Carissa:
I truly love this story!! I was reminded of what my dad told me before I walk with him down the aile to marry my now husband. My dad said to me “you don’t have to do this!” And like you my dad has alway been in my cornner think and telling me that I was the best at anything I do/did!!!Always giving me great love an support!! So as I was reading your story I realized that your dad saw something great in your husband God has revealed his heart to your father. Everything you have stated is in fact true and as much as I hate to say but, but it definintly take to in a marriage and if you have a third party on either side it won’t work!! Because to two have become on (thu says the Bible) not the three!!! Again everything you has stated in this article is so true!!! It blessed me to read it and I glad you shared your story!
Mar 10, 2016
Kristy:
Very true!!!
When I got married, my mom shared with me what her parents told her: we don’t want to hear about your fights. (Aside from physical danger of course). I was kinda confused. She said YOU chose him. YOU love him. We love you. If he hurts you, you will forgive him, it would not be as easy for us. My husband and I have been married for 17 years (2 kids now) and I can honestly say my parents love my husband very much. My family spends a lot of time with my parents. I have wondered if my parents feelings would be different if they knew every time there were hurtful words or hurt feelings. I am glad I choose to follow that advice. What my mom told me helped me put things in perspective. With every argument or hurt feeling (there were a few – still are to be honest), I know they will pass and we will forgive each other. My husband is not perfect, but he is perfect for me. I would not say or share something in a moment of anger or frustration that would cause anyone, my parents especially, to think less of him. Marriage is hard enough, don’t bring anyone else into it. Don’t allow anyone’s (parent or friend) opinion or feelings dictate how you behave or how you feel in regards to your marriage. Now I’m not saying not to get wise Godly counsel when necessary, but my marriage, well… that’s between my husband and I. Marriage takes HARD work, patience, love, dedication and respect. Most importantly, a good marriage requires a love for Christ before your love for your spouse. I will tell my kids the same thing but will also add what I have learned. It is always good to remember that love is a CHOICE, and it is an ACTION. Wake up every day and make a conscious choice to love your spouse that day (even when you don’t feel like it) and then look for a way to show him. It doesn’t have to be big grand gestures, sometimes it is simple as choosing to watch a sports game on tv with him, just cause you know he likes it, even though you would rather be reading a book. :)
Mar 10, 2016
Me:
Although this is a wonderful message and I agree that a husband and wife should work out the good and bad because it will make them stronger. However, I would never tell my son he could never come home. As long as I have a roof over my head my child will always have a safe haven of understanding and love.
Mar 09, 2016
Angela:
I agree whole heartedly with this message. After reading some of the comments, I believe it goes without saying that certain situations warrant a divorce. I think the main message is to not give up simply because the going gets tough…and that the parents need to understand their roles when their child gets married. I have dealt with being told by an in-law how to do things…or how I’m not doing things right…or not good enough, etc. It has taken time and some not-so-easy conversations but things have gotten better!
Mar 09, 2016
pam:
I was told the same and it’s been 27 years. I knew it was for God and I’m proud they did
Mar 09, 2016
LeAnne:
This is absolutely true. You can only truly relate if your marriage hit a point where the most attractive option was to leave. For me it was not parents telling me I had to work it out with my husband no matter what he had done, it was God. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me, but when my husband asked me what I wanted to do I remember saying, " all I know is we can’t fix anything if we aren’t together." It was hard working through our problems without separating. But in return our children will never have the memory of the time their parents weren’t together. And it’s taken about a year, but we have a better marriage now, than we ever had before.
Mar 09, 2016
Misty:
This is a beautiful message. I am blessed with a wonderful husband who works very hard to take care of the kids and myself. We have been together for 19 years and married for 18. His mother hasn’t seen him or my 2 sons for 8 years now because she hates me. When I ask her why she hated me she said because I took her baby away. That is the most insane thing I have ever heard and I always promised my boys I would never be the kind of mother in law to their wives as mine has been to me. Momma will always be here if they need me but they have to spread their wings and take care of our new family.
Mar 09, 2016
Heather:
People are missing part of what her dad said, “your mom and I will be here to help you however we can.” Clearly, if abuse is happening or financial problems occur then her parents are there for her but if it’s just a normal argument between husband and wife she needs to stay with her husband to work it out. I completely agree with this. Marriage is not a walk in the park and it takes lots of dedication and giving of one’s self to make it work. After many years of marriage and 10 kids, I can honestly say that I love my husband more completely today than I did the day we got married. Neither my parents nor his have ever been involved in any disagreement between the two of us and that’s the way it should be.
Mar 09, 2016
Jae:
I agree with this overall with a couple of exceptions as people have stated, but I am reminded that Christ, even upon His death, told his Apostle to look after His mother.
I also liked the woman who commented about her kids and their spouses having to live with her for a time. In today’s day and age that may happen more often than not.
My kids know that we’re here if they need us. I’ve told them our home is their home, but it’s also understood that it’s for certain reasons. Fighting and arguing isn’t one of those reasons. My son and daughter in law are currently living in our guest house while he finishes his schooling, but they gave their own space.
Life is about families, and the pioneers had to live in close proximity just to survive. It may come down to that again with the way our world is turning.
Mar 09, 2016
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